Day 3: Tap tap tap

Got up early this morning. An attempt to get half hour to myself, do 15 minutes of stretching and then sit with a cup of tea for a bit. As it ended up both kids followed me down stairs and we appear to have a leak. So I ended up stretching, next to a bucket to catch the leak whilst the kids played paw patrol on me. So zen. 

Day 2 was weird. 

Felt simultaneously knackered and restless at the same time. Couldn't be bothered to do anything. Couldn't sit still.  Wanted to lie down. Wanted to go for a walk. Too listless to be active. Too active to be listened. Weird. 

Work was a bit of a write off in the afternoon. Just couldn't focus. Started loads of tasks, finished none. Then fucked it all off and finished a bit early. 

Early days but hoping I will rise from the boozey ashes like a sober phoenix. Perhaps a pigeon from a wheelie bin might be more apt. 

It's still dark outside and I'm sipping my tea to the tap tap tap of a leak. Feeling good though, there wasn't any craving at all yesterday. It's early days, this not drinking, and all new 'n' sexy like...but I'm feeling positive about it. 

Day 2: the morning after

No hangover. Kind of a novel feeling. 

But sleep wasn't great {See what's the point, may as well have had a beer - the beer monkey}. Sure, there was no 3am wake up feeling itchy and anxious and needing a wee. But, still, the sleep wasn't great. 

And I'm irritable. Told the kids off for coughing this morning. "But we don't know how to stop coughing." Yeah, that's not fair, gave them a hug and said sorry. 

On the plus side being up early meant I could do a quick 25 minutes of mobility and light weights before breakfast. Felt slow, weak, inflexible, bulbous and clumsy.  What a combo. Yet, as ever, the power of exercise meant I felt better by the end of it. Still bulbous, mind. {You've earned a beer or two this evening after all that - the beer monkey}. 

I wondered about triggers yesterday. Around 8:45 there was a sudden wave of desire to have a drink. No idea what caused it, will try to keep my mind open to what it might be. 

There's work to do. 

Day 1 - December totals

As I was crushing cans, outside in the wind and rain, I mentally totalled up how much I drank in December.  

130 units! And I'd had a half hearted attempt to stop drinking at the start of December. So that's 130 units in 2 weeks. Or...

59 440ml cans of 5% heineken. Nearly 30 a week. A bit over 4 a day {That's nothing, you're fine here - the beer monkey}. 

57 175ml glasses of white wine. Just over 13 bottles of wine. Nearly a bottle a day. 

Comparison isn't always the most helpful, what's a lot for some is nothing for others. But... that's well over the current suggested limit of 14 units a week.

I am simultaneously horrified by the numbers and think it looks pretty reasonable. 60 cans of beer over 2 weeks! That's 30 cans rattling around the recycling each week. Embarrassing. And yet I still try to rationalise it, 4 440ml cans of beer a day it doesn't seem so bad. 

There's still a lot of work to be done, rewiring the brain. 

I hope the neighbours didn't see me stomping all those cans of beer. 

Day 1 - Oooft

3am. The familiar dull ache from needing a wee. Itchy and irritable. All topped off with low grade anxiety. 

Lying there with my eyes closed I calculate last night's consumption. 4 cans of beer, a prosecco and 2 ports. And too much cheese. Mmmmmm cheese. That's at least 14 units {but that's barely anything! - the cheeky beer monkey}. More than a week's worth at the current guidelines. And I drank the night before, and before that. In fact pretty much every night since the 15th of December. Harley fills someone with pride, does it {it's the holidays, everyone does it. You're fine - the cheeky beer monkey}. 

6:30am. Up with the kids with a slight hangover. 

Take a picture of myself. Ouch - I look tired. Puffy blood shot eyes. 

I mentally project forward the day. Hang out with the kids. Lunch. Hang out some more. Dinner. Crack a drink whilst cooking dinner. Then another whilst eating dinner. Kids bed time. {Well done, you deserve another - the cheeky beer monkey}. Crack another....repeat. 

Something about habits rattles about my subconscious somewhere, both positive and negative ones. Over the last few years I've definitely developed a bad habit with drinking, a bad relationship you might say {You're not that bad, you know people who drink way more than you - the cheeky beer monkey}. 

It's January, Dry January. Let's try and reset that nasty habit, remove it completely {No, don't do that.}

Wish me luck.