Day 4: Why blog about getting sober

Through yesterday afternoon and into the evening I was knackered. Just absolutely knackered. In bed by 9pm. But I didn't fancy a drink all day. Progress? Probably just early days, it's still exciting and all that jazz. And Dry January is in the air. A subtle undertone to the month making abstaining easier. I suspect the real challenge will start in February. 

To the point of this post - why start a blog? Accountability maybe? Writing can make stuff feel more real? Hoping to connect with others going through the same thing?  All of the above?

I've had a sneaky feeling for a few years that I've been drinking too much. Googling "am I drinking too much?" and only really figuring out that I don't drink first thing in the mornings or black out {see, you're fine - the cheeky monkey}. Being embarrassed by the recycling bin. Worrying there wasn't enough beer in the house. Feeling guilty about having a few drinks...again! Having a few more drinks at home after being out (why, why need more?). And more things. 

Then at the start of December I stopped for 15 days and it was great. The bloat had started to go, better sleep, more energy, less snappy with the kids, no 3am sweaty wake ups etc. 

And then I had a drink to celebrate finishing work for the holidays {you'd earned it - the beer monkey}. Just one turned into....5. Repeat until the end of the year. Bleugh. 

So yeah, my relationship with alcohol needs assessing, and probably just deleting it from my life is the answer {no no, you can moderate, just try that first. You'll be fine - the beer monkey}. 

So why blog?  Roll back about a decade and I wanted to sort my finances out. An over draft and credit card sort of thing. Figure out what retirement meant for the future. I'd had a few attempts at sorting it and quickly fell back into old habits. Then I decided to write about it. 4 years later I'd sorted it out and met loads of friendly helpful folk and done loads of writing that ended up being really useful. I found writing useful to help reset old habits and for looking back on when things got rough. 

So let's do it again. Perhaps this time with more at stake. 

Jomnm.

Day 3: Tap tap tap

Got up early this morning. An attempt to get half hour to myself, do 15 minutes of stretching and then sit with a cup of tea for a bit. As it ended up both kids followed me down stairs and we appear to have a leak. So I ended up stretching, next to a bucket to catch the leak whilst the kids played paw patrol on me. So zen. 

Day 2 was weird. 

Felt simultaneously knackered and restless at the same time. Couldn't be bothered to do anything. Couldn't sit still.  Wanted to lie down. Wanted to go for a walk. Too listless to be active. Too active to be listened. Weird. 

Work was a bit of a write off in the afternoon. Just couldn't focus. Started loads of tasks, finished none. Then fucked it all off and finished a bit early. 

Early days but hoping I will rise from the boozey ashes like a sober phoenix. Perhaps a pigeon from a wheelie bin might be more apt. 

It's still dark outside and I'm sipping my tea to the tap tap tap of a leak. Feeling good though, there wasn't any craving at all yesterday. It's early days, this not drinking, and all new 'n' sexy like...but I'm feeling positive about it. 

Day 2: the morning after

No hangover. Kind of a novel feeling. 

But sleep wasn't great {See what's the point, may as well have had a beer - the beer monkey}. Sure, there was no 3am wake up feeling itchy and anxious and needing a wee. But, still, the sleep wasn't great. 

And I'm irritable. Told the kids off for coughing this morning. "But we don't know how to stop coughing." Yeah, that's not fair, gave them a hug and said sorry. 

On the plus side being up early meant I could do a quick 25 minutes of mobility and light weights before breakfast. Felt slow, weak, inflexible, bulbous and clumsy.  What a combo. Yet, as ever, the power of exercise meant I felt better by the end of it. Still bulbous, mind. {You've earned a beer or two this evening after all that - the beer monkey}. 

I wondered about triggers yesterday. Around 8:45 there was a sudden wave of desire to have a drink. No idea what caused it, will try to keep my mind open to what it might be. 

There's work to do. 

Day 1 - December totals

As I was crushing cans, outside in the wind and rain, I mentally totalled up how much I drank in December.  

130 units! And I'd had a half hearted attempt to stop drinking at the start of December. So that's 130 units in 2 weeks. Or...

59 440ml cans of 5% heineken. Nearly 30 a week. A bit over 4 a day {That's nothing, you're fine here - the beer monkey}. 

57 175ml glasses of white wine. Just over 13 bottles of wine. Nearly a bottle a day. 

Comparison isn't always the most helpful, what's a lot for some is nothing for others. But... that's well over the current suggested limit of 14 units a week.

I am simultaneously horrified by the numbers and think it looks pretty reasonable. 60 cans of beer over 2 weeks! That's 30 cans rattling around the recycling each week. Embarrassing. And yet I still try to rationalise it, 4 440ml cans of beer a day it doesn't seem so bad. 

There's still a lot of work to be done, rewiring the brain. 

I hope the neighbours didn't see me stomping all those cans of beer. 

Day 1 - Oooft

3am. The familiar dull ache from needing a wee. Itchy and irritable. All topped off with low grade anxiety. 

Lying there with my eyes closed I calculate last night's consumption. 4 cans of beer, a prosecco and 2 ports. And too much cheese. Mmmmmm cheese. That's at least 14 units {but that's barely anything! - the cheeky beer monkey}. More than a week's worth at the current guidelines. And I drank the night before, and before that. In fact pretty much every night since the 15th of December. Harley fills someone with pride, does it {it's the holidays, everyone does it. You're fine - the cheeky beer monkey}. 

6:30am. Up with the kids with a slight hangover. 

Take a picture of myself. Ouch - I look tired. Puffy blood shot eyes. 

I mentally project forward the day. Hang out with the kids. Lunch. Hang out some more. Dinner. Crack a drink whilst cooking dinner. Then another whilst eating dinner. Kids bed time. {Well done, you deserve another - the cheeky beer monkey}. Crack another....repeat. 

Something about habits rattles about my subconscious somewhere, both positive and negative ones. Over the last few years I've definitely developed a bad habit with drinking, a bad relationship you might say {You're not that bad, you know people who drink way more than you - the cheeky beer monkey}. 

It's January, Dry January. Let's try and reset that nasty habit, remove it completely {No, don't do that.}

Wish me luck.