Day 10: Ubiquitous

It really is every. Booze. All around us. 

Check the screenshot out below. I was looking around for sober diaries, as I am binging all of them that I can at the moment. 

The first search result is....a delivery service, highlighting beer and wine!

I know that the algorithm must feed!  But still, give us a chance!

Jomnm

Day 9: Overheard

The brain fog seems to be burning off slowly, if I peer ahear far enough I think I see 'clarity'. Or something similar to it.

I went for a wander at lunch and overheard a couple of people talking. It wasn't the hardest to overhear as they were conversing from OPPOSITE SIDES OF A ROAD. It went something like;

"Hello mate, happy new year! How are you?"

"Good mate! And yourself?"

"Yeah yeah, good. Tired like! I'm just glad the holidays are over so I don't have to drink every day. HA HA HA HA!"

"HA HA HA HA. I know what you mean, bye".

"Byesies". 

.........

So. I. Don't. HAVE. To. Drink. Every. Day. 

What a strange world we live in. 

Jomnm

Day 8: Rose tinted reflections

The mind does an incredible job of rearranging history. It really does. 

After a half hearted attempt at stopping drinking at the start of December I hit the Christmas holiday season with gusto, guzzling too many drinks down. Come the end of December I felt pretty wiped out, bloated and.... disappointed. 

And here we are, Day 8 of no drinking. And already my mind is making steps to trying to convince itself that I could have a drink {8 days, that's fantastic! See, you went 8 days without a drink and, you said it yourself, it's been ok. There's nothing sinister here, you just need a small reset and then you can have a couple of lovely drinks in moderation - the beer monkey}.

And it is tempting, romantic even, to think that after a few days off I've somehow proven something to myself.  I can nearly picture myself drinking something sexy at sundown, sipping it, looking suave. Just the one. But one would turn into one more. And then just one more. Etc. Then terrible sleep and hangover. And then the beer monkey would be back at the helm {hooray}. 

So it's time to cast my mind back for a few reasons why I decided to stop drinking in the first place 

After going out / having friends over I would nearly always have a 'couple more' after they left or when we got back home. 

Beer whilst doing kids bath time. 

Decide in the morning to have a non drinking day. Come the evening I'd have a few almost by auto pilot without control. 

Consistently drinking over the safe limit {come on, it's set excessively low by the government to be on the safe side - the beer monkey}. 

Considering buying cans instead of bottles to fill up the other recycling bin (or vice versa). 

Rotating corner shops to buy booze. 

Nailing half the first can of beer in the kitchen 10 seconds after opening it. 

It is kind of easy to dismiss these thoughts at the moment, as I'm partway through dry January and told quite a few people about that.  But it is something to be very aware of come the end of the month. I expect these kind of thoughts to be screaming from the front of my mind, give in, cave in, reward yourself! Mmmmmmm a beer. I'm not going to though, oh no, not me, this writing process is helping me stay on top of things. 

Oh, and ANOTHER hang over free morning.

Jomnm

Day 7: Walking the path recently trodden

I do finally seem to be emerging from the veil of brain fog that has dominated the first week. Thursday was the worst, any attempt at something slightly cognitive was met with resistance. Ugh. 

This afternoon I wandered to the post office to grab some packing tape. The post office near me is in a corner shop, one of the corner shops I would frequent for beer. Rather sadly there's 4 shops within walking distance that I would rotate, you know in case anyone recognised me and started doing some unit tallying {well done, none of anyone's business anyway - the beer monkey}. 

It occured to me with a pang of regret that perhaps I would no longer complete the short round trip of an evening to collect some booze. Genuine regret, a bit out of nowhere.  But the feelings were mixed with a double shot of guilt - that weird feeling that someone would have been watching, as I strolled to a corner shop on a dark winters evening and somehow join the dots. They're off again to get more booze, how tragic. 

On another note. Hangover free mornings. There's a thing. And it's lovely. More more more of them please. 

Jomnm

Day 6: Pang

Had my first proper craving for a drink on Friday evening. It came outta nowhere. 

Around half 8, kids were and bed and my partner was out. I was staring absentmindedly at the Christmas tree wondering about what film to watch. And it hit me all of sudden, really strong too {why don't you have a beer, it's the end of the week, you worked hard, your partner's out having some drinks with friends so why not you?}.

I swatted it away quickly and settled down to watch some sci-fi garbage on Netflix. 

Looking back is was weird it seemed to come from nowhere and went from 0 to a hundred instantly. I think in the past this is exactly when I would have got myself a drink even though I hadn't been planning to at the start of the day. 

But not this time.

Jomnm

Day 5 : A Gas Giant looms

Went to my first social gathering and I looked round the room and sure enough people were having drinks. Beers and wines and G'n'Ts. Genuinely didn't fancy one, which was nice.   A lot of those that were drinking were doing it slowly. A sip here, another there. No gulping! Sometimes the drink would move towards their mouth, stop whilst they said something witty, and then return back to it's original position. Not even a sip!  It was kind of strange...watching from the other side. 

Couldn't concentrate this morning at work, getting annoyed by a couple of people for no real reason and then buzzing in the afternoon. Ups and downs. Downs and ups. Here we go. 

Also...kind of grim... I guess my body is righting itself after all the excess. But why does that have to equate to loads of flatulence? Like seriously loads. Grim...but there you go. 

And I am feeling a bit apprehensive. Like, it all feels fine at the moment.  Eerily fine.  But I'm ready for the beer monkey to strike at some point, all cheeky and affable like, and offer up an opportunity to have a drink. But not today monkey, not today. 

Jomnm

Day 4: Why blog about getting sober

Through yesterday afternoon and into the evening I was knackered. Just absolutely knackered. In bed by 9pm. But I didn't fancy a drink all day. Progress? Probably just early days, it's still exciting and all that jazz. And Dry January is in the air. A subtle undertone to the month making abstaining easier. I suspect the real challenge will start in February. 

To the point of this post - why start a blog? Accountability maybe? Writing can make stuff feel more real? Hoping to connect with others going through the same thing?  All of the above?

I've had a sneaky feeling for a few years that I've been drinking too much. Googling "am I drinking too much?" and only really figuring out that I don't drink first thing in the mornings or black out {see, you're fine - the cheeky monkey}. Being embarrassed by the recycling bin. Worrying there wasn't enough beer in the house. Feeling guilty about having a few drinks...again! Having a few more drinks at home after being out (why, why need more?). And more things. 

Then at the start of December I stopped for 15 days and it was great. The bloat had started to go, better sleep, more energy, less snappy with the kids, no 3am sweaty wake ups etc. 

And then I had a drink to celebrate finishing work for the holidays {you'd earned it - the beer monkey}. Just one turned into....5. Repeat until the end of the year. Bleugh. 

So yeah, my relationship with alcohol needs assessing, and probably just deleting it from my life is the answer {no no, you can moderate, just try that first. You'll be fine - the beer monkey}. 

So why blog?  Roll back about a decade and I wanted to sort my finances out. An over draft and credit card sort of thing. Figure out what retirement meant for the future. I'd had a few attempts at sorting it and quickly fell back into old habits. Then I decided to write about it. 4 years later I'd sorted it out and met loads of friendly helpful folk and done loads of writing that ended up being really useful. I found writing useful to help reset old habits and for looking back on when things got rough. 

So let's do it again. Perhaps this time with more at stake. 

Jomnm.

Day 3: Tap tap tap

Got up early this morning. An attempt to get half hour to myself, do 15 minutes of stretching and then sit with a cup of tea for a bit. As it ended up both kids followed me down stairs and we appear to have a leak. So I ended up stretching, next to a bucket to catch the leak whilst the kids played paw patrol on me. So zen. 

Day 2 was weird. 

Felt simultaneously knackered and restless at the same time. Couldn't be bothered to do anything. Couldn't sit still.  Wanted to lie down. Wanted to go for a walk. Too listless to be active. Too active to be listened. Weird. 

Work was a bit of a write off in the afternoon. Just couldn't focus. Started loads of tasks, finished none. Then fucked it all off and finished a bit early. 

Early days but hoping I will rise from the boozey ashes like a sober phoenix. Perhaps a pigeon from a wheelie bin might be more apt. 

It's still dark outside and I'm sipping my tea to the tap tap tap of a leak. Feeling good though, there wasn't any craving at all yesterday. It's early days, this not drinking, and all new 'n' sexy like...but I'm feeling positive about it. 

Day 2: the morning after

No hangover. Kind of a novel feeling. 

But sleep wasn't great {See what's the point, may as well have had a beer - the beer monkey}. Sure, there was no 3am wake up feeling itchy and anxious and needing a wee. But, still, the sleep wasn't great. 

And I'm irritable. Told the kids off for coughing this morning. "But we don't know how to stop coughing." Yeah, that's not fair, gave them a hug and said sorry. 

On the plus side being up early meant I could do a quick 25 minutes of mobility and light weights before breakfast. Felt slow, weak, inflexible, bulbous and clumsy.  What a combo. Yet, as ever, the power of exercise meant I felt better by the end of it. Still bulbous, mind. {You've earned a beer or two this evening after all that - the beer monkey}. 

I wondered about triggers yesterday. Around 8:45 there was a sudden wave of desire to have a drink. No idea what caused it, will try to keep my mind open to what it might be. 

There's work to do. 

Day 1 - December totals

As I was crushing cans, outside in the wind and rain, I mentally totalled up how much I drank in December.  

130 units! And I'd had a half hearted attempt to stop drinking at the start of December. So that's 130 units in 2 weeks. Or...

59 440ml cans of 5% heineken. Nearly 30 a week. A bit over 4 a day {That's nothing, you're fine here - the beer monkey}. 

57 175ml glasses of white wine. Just over 13 bottles of wine. Nearly a bottle a day. 

Comparison isn't always the most helpful, what's a lot for some is nothing for others. But... that's well over the current suggested limit of 14 units a week.

I am simultaneously horrified by the numbers and think it looks pretty reasonable. 60 cans of beer over 2 weeks! That's 30 cans rattling around the recycling each week. Embarrassing. And yet I still try to rationalise it, 4 440ml cans of beer a day it doesn't seem so bad. 

There's still a lot of work to be done, rewiring the brain. 

I hope the neighbours didn't see me stomping all those cans of beer.